okay no evil prayers! i do no need anymore bad luck!
Labels: pointless post is pointless, random rants
writing is a socially accepted form of schizophrenia
Thursday, July 30, 2009
i can be such a vindictive bitch sometimes. sigh. i find so many excuses to justify that but sometimes it still boils down to the fact that i AM a vindictive person. and i hold grudges. oh man, can i hold grudges.
okay no evil prayers! i do no need anymore bad luck!
okay no evil prayers! i do no need anymore bad luck!
posted by mian at 10:28 PM | Permalink |
funny how things come full circle
NTU mass comm: i want to write. but i don't like NTU. full-stop. but hey. i always have to eat my words. -- March 12, 2005
it wasn't like i never knew what my passion was. i've always been clear about the fact that i HAVE to do something related to writing, and i WILL do something related to writing. it's just kinda sad (sad in the musing way, not in the omg-boo-hoo-hoo way) that i have to find out under forced unpleasant circumstances how much i WANT to write. i thrive on writing. when im writing i'm in my element, my zone, my bubble. sure, sometimes i go on and on incoherently, but i guess that's how i define my writing - a socially accepted form of my personal brand of schizophrenia.
and speaking of schizophrenia. ha. i remember the way i struggled to make a choice on whether i should even go for the mass comm interview. i eventually did, but the fear of not being able to actually secure a, well, secure job, was so consuming that the desire to be in mass comm all but drained away and i'm very sure that reflected brilliantly on me during the interview. okay so obviously i did not get through in the end. and i'm not going to regret that because with the loss of mass comm, came marketing and that was eventually another aspect i thrived in because of the opportunities for me to bombard the tutors with my long rambling ideas about nothing in particular but apparently something to them. i loved it. i loved blowing smoke all over the place. i loved creating something from nothing. i loved making people think that i'm actually talking sense when i'm merely rephrasing my stuff in more and more flowery sentences as i go on. like what i am doing right now.
okay so all that verbal garbage aside, i guess i just have one conclusion to make: i. MUST. WRITE. in whatever job i have, i HAVE to write. and i HAVE to have the freedom to write.
and since all things have boiled down to this, i guess i finally have the freedom (oh thank god) to say this:
i hate(d) my job. (WHOA SURPRISE!) and i shock myself because now then i truly see how much i loathe it. it's a job that comes with so many contradictions that i want to name it after myself.
honestly, i don't hate ALL parts of it. it's just this one thing that keeps hanging over it that makes me want to slit my wrists at the end of the day. it's something called FUCKING RESTRICTIONS. and oh i know, the irony of it! after all, this IS a creative agency. i don't know man, restrictive and creative? jesus, that's mind fuck.
it's not about getting my stuff checked 10 million times and having them thrown back at me for the same number of times and seeing my stuff devolve into something that's totally different (that's right, i said it. DEVOLVE) it's the plain simple fact that i have utterly no freedom in the content of anything i write. i'm basically a highly evolved typewriter. you key in your desired contents and i spit out something that you will eventually rewrite yourself anyway. i don't see the fucking point of my presence. and these restrictions comes from all over the damn place. the client, the boss, both of whom are the two most demanding ungrateful self-centered soul sucking bitches that ever walked the face of this earth.
i know when you're junior, it comes with the territory that whatever you write IS restricted. i am totally fine with that. and i am always open to how i can improve on my writing. BUT when all you are doing is to demand that i rewrite the piece that i have just written by modifying some existing sample, it makes my soul die a little inside. and it does not help when your sample is a mouldy boring piece of crap that i could have written myself in five minutes. sorry, i do not follow bad examples, so maybe i just i can't do corporate shit. well, i mean i can, and i do a damn fine job at it. but i will hate you for making me do it. because you are stifling my creativity and you're restricting my brain. and when my brain gets restricted it automatically powers down.
okay deep breaths now.
i don't know. technically, i am not upset. because when i'm truly upset, i can't swallow any food. but right now my appetite's still fine. and in a way that pains me because it just goes to show how little i care about this. and on hindsight, it does seem like all the signs were already there, just that i never paid any attention. i have been constantly looking at other jobs (and feeling my heart break everytime i see opportunities from CAAS, P&G, L'oreal and Unilever and thinking that i could not apply for them), i've already started counting down to the time i would be leaving this place (i gave myself one year, and even then i was never completely convinced that i would stay that long) i literally had to drag myself to work everyday (which is one very clear sign that i'm unhappy. back at starhub, i didn't even dread going to work so much even though the bloody office was at fucking ayer rajah), i've complained about everything to almost everyone and i can go on and on and sometimes i have to keep myself in check because i was literally going to drown everyone with my constant spewing. and yes, i guess the most telling sign was when i woke up one day sometime last week and thought, omg, i hate my fucking job i cannot do this anymore. i felt so stifled i thought i was going to combust.
it's upsetting me more to type the last chunk because it feels like i am accepting defeat. that i am just not cut out for this industry. which is tragic, because i honestly believed i would thrive in such creative environments. but then i think to myself, i do love the environment, nothing's changed there, in the rare moments i was given free reign, i was positively thriving.
sorry let me rephrase that, i love the environment of the company as a whole, but i loathe that of my department (oh we all know who to thank for that). it's amazing how the two can even co-exist at the same time because they're practically the antithesis of each other. and you know what they say about polar opposites. no they do not fucking attract. they are mutually exclusive.
so.. i am taking this as a blessing in disguise. (alright, not much of a disguise there. i cant help feeling that leap of joy whenever i think i wont have to see that wrinkled old witch anymore) the best thing out of this is that, now i truly know what i want to do. i know which people are in control in this whole damn industry. and i don't know how long it will take, but i will make my way towards that direction. i've procrastinated again and again, but now it's the time i made my move.
and yes who knows. one day things may really come full circle again. don't fuck with people in this industry. because you never know when they will come back and be your boss. it has happened once, and who knows, it may happen again.
NTU mass comm: i want to write. but i don't like NTU. full-stop. but hey. i always have to eat my words. -- March 12, 2005
it wasn't like i never knew what my passion was. i've always been clear about the fact that i HAVE to do something related to writing, and i WILL do something related to writing. it's just kinda sad (sad in the musing way, not in the omg-boo-hoo-hoo way) that i have to find out under forced unpleasant circumstances how much i WANT to write. i thrive on writing. when im writing i'm in my element, my zone, my bubble. sure, sometimes i go on and on incoherently, but i guess that's how i define my writing - a socially accepted form of my personal brand of schizophrenia.
and speaking of schizophrenia. ha. i remember the way i struggled to make a choice on whether i should even go for the mass comm interview. i eventually did, but the fear of not being able to actually secure a, well, secure job, was so consuming that the desire to be in mass comm all but drained away and i'm very sure that reflected brilliantly on me during the interview. okay so obviously i did not get through in the end. and i'm not going to regret that because with the loss of mass comm, came marketing and that was eventually another aspect i thrived in because of the opportunities for me to bombard the tutors with my long rambling ideas about nothing in particular but apparently something to them. i loved it. i loved blowing smoke all over the place. i loved creating something from nothing. i loved making people think that i'm actually talking sense when i'm merely rephrasing my stuff in more and more flowery sentences as i go on. like what i am doing right now.
okay so all that verbal garbage aside, i guess i just have one conclusion to make: i. MUST. WRITE. in whatever job i have, i HAVE to write. and i HAVE to have the freedom to write.
and since all things have boiled down to this, i guess i finally have the freedom (oh thank god) to say this:
i hate(d) my job. (WHOA SURPRISE!) and i shock myself because now then i truly see how much i loathe it. it's a job that comes with so many contradictions that i want to name it after myself.
honestly, i don't hate ALL parts of it. it's just this one thing that keeps hanging over it that makes me want to slit my wrists at the end of the day. it's something called FUCKING RESTRICTIONS. and oh i know, the irony of it! after all, this IS a creative agency. i don't know man, restrictive and creative? jesus, that's mind fuck.
it's not about getting my stuff checked 10 million times and having them thrown back at me for the same number of times and seeing my stuff devolve into something that's totally different (that's right, i said it. DEVOLVE) it's the plain simple fact that i have utterly no freedom in the content of anything i write. i'm basically a highly evolved typewriter. you key in your desired contents and i spit out something that you will eventually rewrite yourself anyway. i don't see the fucking point of my presence. and these restrictions comes from all over the damn place. the client, the boss, both of whom are the two most demanding ungrateful self-centered soul sucking bitches that ever walked the face of this earth.
i know when you're junior, it comes with the territory that whatever you write IS restricted. i am totally fine with that. and i am always open to how i can improve on my writing. BUT when all you are doing is to demand that i rewrite the piece that i have just written by modifying some existing sample, it makes my soul die a little inside. and it does not help when your sample is a mouldy boring piece of crap that i could have written myself in five minutes. sorry, i do not follow bad examples, so maybe i just i can't do corporate shit. well, i mean i can, and i do a damn fine job at it. but i will hate you for making me do it. because you are stifling my creativity and you're restricting my brain. and when my brain gets restricted it automatically powers down.
okay deep breaths now.
i don't know. technically, i am not upset. because when i'm truly upset, i can't swallow any food. but right now my appetite's still fine. and in a way that pains me because it just goes to show how little i care about this. and on hindsight, it does seem like all the signs were already there, just that i never paid any attention. i have been constantly looking at other jobs (and feeling my heart break everytime i see opportunities from CAAS, P&G, L'oreal and Unilever and thinking that i could not apply for them), i've already started counting down to the time i would be leaving this place (i gave myself one year, and even then i was never completely convinced that i would stay that long) i literally had to drag myself to work everyday (which is one very clear sign that i'm unhappy. back at starhub, i didn't even dread going to work so much even though the bloody office was at fucking ayer rajah), i've complained about everything to almost everyone and i can go on and on and sometimes i have to keep myself in check because i was literally going to drown everyone with my constant spewing. and yes, i guess the most telling sign was when i woke up one day sometime last week and thought, omg, i hate my fucking job i cannot do this anymore. i felt so stifled i thought i was going to combust.
it's upsetting me more to type the last chunk because it feels like i am accepting defeat. that i am just not cut out for this industry. which is tragic, because i honestly believed i would thrive in such creative environments. but then i think to myself, i do love the environment, nothing's changed there, in the rare moments i was given free reign, i was positively thriving.
sorry let me rephrase that, i love the environment of the company as a whole, but i loathe that of my department (oh we all know who to thank for that). it's amazing how the two can even co-exist at the same time because they're practically the antithesis of each other. and you know what they say about polar opposites. no they do not fucking attract. they are mutually exclusive.
so.. i am taking this as a blessing in disguise. (alright, not much of a disguise there. i cant help feeling that leap of joy whenever i think i wont have to see that wrinkled old witch anymore) the best thing out of this is that, now i truly know what i want to do. i know which people are in control in this whole damn industry. and i don't know how long it will take, but i will make my way towards that direction. i've procrastinated again and again, but now it's the time i made my move.
and yes who knows. one day things may really come full circle again. don't fuck with people in this industry. because you never know when they will come back and be your boss. it has happened once, and who knows, it may happen again.
Labels: serious business
posted by mian at 4:44 AM | Permalink |
Sunday, July 26, 2009
so convo ball came and went.
our hair+makeup artist. i personally think she's awesome. if you think we look good then you can consider giving her a call. hahaha.
you can't see my hair, but it's basically a low ponytail with curls and on hindsight i really should have just requested for curls and nothing else. but she was so enthusiastic about doing something more complicated i felt bad to make her redo the whole thing. DAMN. IT.
HOW? PERM/DONT PERM? appreciate opinions.
i love my eye makeup!!!
this was completely unintentional but turned out nice anyway!
the reception area. we were served soft drinks. i was completely annoyed by the lack of alcohol.
there was a tarot card reading! i can't take it too seriously but dude's pretty accurate. HE SAID I HAVE UNREALISTIC (okay, he actually said very high. but i'll interpret it the way i feel) EXPECTATIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND AM AGGRESSIVE. hahaha. alright. kudos for pinpointing facts but i'd actually like to know more about the future yes?
stephanie!
sarah!
linxi!
xinwei + weiwei!
xinwei + michael!
vic!
marketing! :)
inside the ballroom
and then i don't have much praises for the entire event. the food was terrible for the amount we paid. the band was *facepalm* (SO MUCH second-hand embarrassment) the emcee was grating and obnoxious to say the least (although he did became really funny towards the end, not gonna lie)
kelvin!
guoxiang!
jieying and mic!
cheeyu!
jinyuan!
shiling!
all of us marketing peeps! :)
haha the amount of enthusiasm i had for it was so incredibly minimal and the only reason i was looking forward to 25th july was because of the really long weekend that i am enjoying right now (finally! i am not all moody on a sunday night! HELL YEAH!) i bought my dress in 10 mins (and kinda regretted it because it's really not the most flattering dress bloody hell), bought 4 inch heels on friday night in 5 mins and everything else like 2 hours before the actual event. that's how much i was bothered about it.
i mean, i heart nbs and all my marketing people, but unfortunately only a few of my friends were there, and that became blatantly clear when i kept taking pictures with the same old people over and over again during the event. in the end i just couldn't be arsed to even walk around and mingle.
anywho it's over and i'm irritated with myself with the amount of money i blew on this thing. i am now stuck with a dress, shoes and accessories i probably would not be wearing in the next 5 years.
on a bright note however, i've discovered that i LOVE manicures (omg OPI rocks!), i should and i will go buy fake eyelashes (oh the miracle that is fake eyelashes. no amount of dark eyeshadow you pile on can rival the wonderous effect that fake eyelashes give.) and i am now considering perming my hair. HAHA.
man jingying's hilarious. i signed in to msn and she immediately msged me in like 2 seconds with this: "i wanna see your eye candyyy!!!!!!"
alright alright. the pictures are here. im not saying anything. you all can guess which one it is. it may be obvious. it may be not. i don't know. hahahaha.
i met peisee early afternoon for the last minute shopping of accessories and for hair+makeup
our hair+makeup artist. i personally think she's awesome. if you think we look good then you can consider giving her a call. hahaha.
you can't see my hair, but it's basically a low ponytail with curls and on hindsight i really should have just requested for curls and nothing else. but she was so enthusiastic about doing something more complicated i felt bad to make her redo the whole thing. DAMN. IT.
something like this.
HOW? PERM/DONT PERM? appreciate opinions. 
i love my eye makeup!!!sorry about the hugeass eye pictures though.
we were done way too early so went had dessert @ shokudo raffles city. and we hung around the lobby of swissotel bitching about what other people were wearing. HAHA.
this was completely unintentional but turned out nice anyway!
the reception area. we were served soft drinks. i was completely annoyed by the lack of alcohol.there was a tarot card reading! i can't take it too seriously but dude's pretty accurate. HE SAID I HAVE UNREALISTIC (okay, he actually said very high. but i'll interpret it the way i feel) EXPECTATIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND AM AGGRESSIVE. hahaha. alright. kudos for pinpointing facts but i'd actually like to know more about the future yes?
stephanie!
sarah!
linxi!
xinwei + weiwei!
xinwei + michael!
vic!(haha. i am trying not to give commentary to pictures so it's not obvious as to which one is actually my eye candy)
marketing! :)inside the ballroom
and then i don't have much praises for the entire event. the food was terrible for the amount we paid. the band was *facepalm* (SO MUCH second-hand embarrassment) the emcee was grating and obnoxious to say the least (although he did became really funny towards the end, not gonna lie)
more pictures
kelvin!
guoxiang!
jieying and mic!
cheeyu!
jinyuan!
shiling!
all of us marketing peeps! :)convocation itself is in another.. 7 hours.
i wish i cared more about it, because right now i don't give a damn. maybe i've been working far too long to feel that this actually signifies an end to my studying life. (also, i haven't been actually studying for loooooong time. my last paper was in november last year)
ah well. i am looking forward to seeing the marketing people again though! and going back to nbs one last time.
(hahahha. i just looked through the pictures once more and i realised that erm. three out of my four eye candies over the years in nbs are actually in them. HAHAHA.)
Labels: nbs is love, pictures pictures
posted by mian at 7:55 PM | Permalink |
i went to convo ball with one mission and i accomplished it. HAHAHAHHA. woooohoooo for me!
alright, i'm not even half as excited as i thought i would be. which is unfortunate. because right now the number of guys i find cute in the whole world (and by whole world i mean in singapore, and angmohs not included.) has been reduced to the grand total of zero. awesome. half a year ago i'd be all giggly and "omghe'ssocute!!" all that shit, but right now, it's all very MEH. i feel very sad for myself. apparently my definition of hot has been so completely distorted (apparently hot = guys wearing more makeup than me and wearing tighter pants than me), that even my favourite eye candy has fallen off the hot list. ohhhhh life.
pictures when i feel like it.
Labels: pointless post is pointless
posted by mian at 2:59 AM | Permalink |
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
oh cmon. it's not like the thought hasn't crossed your mind. heeheei am very sure i'm not the only one who thinks there's something naaasty going on behind closed doors.
Labels: idiocy seems to be a common occurence, pointless post is pointless
posted by mian at 7:49 PM | Permalink |
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
okay i am probably the most outdated person, but i JUST discovered the awesome-ness that is Muse. (yes! finally! minyan is talking about some other awesome singer!) how awesome? well to put things into perspective, they are the first to get me off the playlist that i have been listening to for the past 4 months i shit you not.
i developed somewhat of a habit of snooping around the playlists of other people in the company on itunes, looking for songs i've always heard people talk about, or even just the songs that i've heard the covers of but not the original. and that's when i discovered Muse.
okay so apparently they have been around for ages AND people have apparently heard of them even here in Singapore (i've only read about them in comments of people from the States, UK etc) so obviously i am just so damn outdated. well i hardly think class95 plays their music and i havent listened to 987 since secondary school so..
anyway i've got this haunting song stuck in my head right now. it's really good. and if you know me, you'd know that i dont say that often
Unintended.mp3 - Muse
the boss said today that the speech that i wrote for the client's MD for this particular event was "too high brow for the kids to understand" and yeah it may seem passive-aggressive if you really want to scrutinize it but i don't care man I WILL TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
i developed somewhat of a habit of snooping around the playlists of other people in the company on itunes, looking for songs i've always heard people talk about, or even just the songs that i've heard the covers of but not the original. and that's when i discovered Muse.
okay so apparently they have been around for ages AND people have apparently heard of them even here in Singapore (i've only read about them in comments of people from the States, UK etc) so obviously i am just so damn outdated. well i hardly think class95 plays their music and i havent listened to 987 since secondary school so..
anyway i've got this haunting song stuck in my head right now. it's really good. and if you know me, you'd know that i dont say that often
Unintended.mp3 - Muse
and OH YEAH a new thriller/horror/Lost-y kind of show! i hate whatever happened to Lost but it was awesome when it first started out. cannot wait for all the shows on hiatus to come back on. and new shows! YEAH MAN. and this one looks good!
the boss said today that the speech that i wrote for the client's MD for this particular event was "too high brow for the kids to understand" and yeah it may seem passive-aggressive if you really want to scrutinize it but i don't care man I WILL TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Labels: pointless post is pointless
posted by mian at 7:22 PM | Permalink |
Sunday, July 19, 2009
i am so heartened to see that retards dont just exist on Stomp, but all over the world. mindboggling stupidity knows no boundaries indeed.
Labels: idiocy seems to be a common occurence, pointless post is pointless
posted by mian at 2:37 PM | Permalink |
Saturday, July 18, 2009
last weekend was one of those awesome ones where i spent no time at all for myself, but instead with all my looovely friends. sometimes i do need a dose of that :)
sat morning i had to work early in the morning for an event but hey it was pretty slack so that's fine. i went home and concussed after that and then it was william's birthday party @ downtown east
alright to be honest we didn't do much because the three of us were too lazy to make small talk with other people and there was no room in the chalet for us so we ended up standing around and talking for hours straight
sunday afternoon bel, seah, shuxian and i finally met up after our last outing in december! this of course called for expensive hightea at Goodwood Park hotel. 39 bucks per person y'all, and while it was nice, i thought it definitely wasn't worth that amount. well maybe 'cos i'm still poor. a working adult yes, but still a poor working adult.
with us, lots of camwhoring would definitely happen!
and after that was xin mei's birthday dinner @ marina!
i am actually now at jiayin's house for our stayover with the girls + eric. they're watching some horror flick while im typing here because 1. i've watched the show before and 2. it still scares the shit outta me. haha.
sat morning i had to work early in the morning for an event but hey it was pretty slack so that's fine. i went home and concussed after that and then it was william's birthday party @ downtown east
alright to be honest we didn't do much because the three of us were too lazy to make small talk with other people and there was no room in the chalet for us so we ended up standing around and talking for hours straight
sunday afternoon bel, seah, shuxian and i finally met up after our last outing in december! this of course called for expensive hightea at Goodwood Park hotel. 39 bucks per person y'all, and while it was nice, i thought it definitely wasn't worth that amount. well maybe 'cos i'm still poor. a working adult yes, but still a poor working adult.
with us, lots of camwhoring would definitely happen!
and after that was xin mei's birthday dinner @ marina!
i am actually now at jiayin's house for our stayover with the girls + eric. they're watching some horror flick while im typing here because 1. i've watched the show before and 2. it still scares the shit outta me. haha.
Labels: jttw makes me happy, MS, outings, pictures pictures
posted by mian at 1:12 AM | Permalink |