I sprained my neck. N it hurts like hell. Now whenever I want to turn to the back I have to turn my entire body. N trust me it looks ridiculous.
Argh I feel like a moron.
Not just because of the turn-my-whole-body-to-the-back-which-invoked-laughter-in-mj-n-vincent thing.
But because I did silly things again.
Next thing girl, before u consider doing stupid stuff, make sure ur mind is CLEAR n not in a haze.
Then perhaps u wldnt find out things u wldnt want to know.
Or am I thinking way too far off this time again?
Whatever it is, I had enough of my silly behaviour.
I absolutely detest that ominous feeling of dread. The dread of being disappointed n crushed all over again.
But on an ironic note.
I went on a walk again. To my favourite neighbourhood.
I love it. Seriously. It’s beautiful. Made even more gorgeous with a little imagination.
I promised myself that I wld go there again as soon as there was a free day the nxt day. N I did!
This time I went a little later.
The sun has set. Breeze gentle. Scents of ppl’s dinners. Laughter of children playing at the playground.
Beautiful.
SO. I effectively wasted most of the evening.
But tt’s ok.

I remember exactly a yr ago. We were mugging for prelims.
Fearing. Fearing that we wldnt be able to get into the jcs we want.
Tt’s why me n my friends didn’t go for our very last teacher’s day celebrations in dhs.
Haha. Apparently only 7 of us didn’t turn up frm my class.
Helmi wanted to kill us. But what cld he do? Prelims were already starting n he knows that we hate him anyway.
I remember someone telling me that less than 10 ppl turned up in 4F.
So. I’m going back tomorrow. As a form of makeup?

Anyway I have nv believed in buying presents for teachers/tutors who have not made a contribution to my results.
Haha what kind of attitude is this!
Let’s see now. Lousy teachers who have only wasted time in class by flirting with the irritating bitches of the class, consequently causing the entire class’s results to flop don’t deserve my respect. At ALL.
Similarly, female teachers who love the class guys n show biasedness towards the girls deserve nothing but contempt.
Hence I don’t believe in buying presents for my tutors.
Dun get me wrong. I don’t mind contributing towards the amt. But I’m only doing so because the class is doing it.
If I wanna buy I’m only going to buy for mr chew. The ONLY ONE who has made an form of contribution to the class’s results.
Am I being a little too harsh?
Perhaps some ppl r thinking. Instead of complaining I shld think abt if I had been a good student myself.
Whatever.

All these thoughts they make no sense.
I find bliss in ignorance.

Haha. That little bimbo's mad at me.
I'm not pissed. I'm just darned amused.
I wonder.
Does she want me to act all nice arnd her, den stab her right in the back.
Or does she want me to be the cold n buisong me, but civil with her?
Which one's worse?
Silly silly silly.
Highly amusing.

I'm reading Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown right now.
I just finished Angels and Demons a couple of days ago.
Boy was I traumatized.
I finished the book arnd 1130 at night, n all the events tt went on in the book juz started appearing in my mind when I was in the toilet. I was spooked man.
Not that the book was on anything abt ghosts or spirits or whatever.
It's just the way the author writes.
Grabs ur imagination n refuses to let it go.
No wonder I didn’t get much sleep. I was having nightmares.
Haha.
But seriously. Dan brown is one hell of a writer.
I am so impressed by how much he actually knows abt ancient history, art.. all the things abt satanic cults etc..
Da Vinci Code is absolutely captivating.
N I;m so surprised that I was actually so absorbed after just a few pages.
Goes to show tt I have my intellectual days too :D
Mr chew first recommended the book to us. Something to do with feminism? What we were discussing abt during GP just a couple of months ago.
I have yet to get to the feminism part. But jiayin says it wld be a shocking ending all right.
I love books that have this kind of effect on me. Suspense n shock


I think I duh-ed lyd seah jam n jpoh today with my silly behavior.
Don't worry, it wont happen again. At least for the nxt few days.
Haha cuz it's the wkend. *evil grin*
Hey. It brightens up my day, n makes my life more interesting!
Why not?
Haha.
Jpoh asked me when this whole thing started.
I cant exactly remember.
But it sure didnt start just this wk.
Remember national day celebrations? Cine?
Hahaa.
Nope not there but was kinda hoping. *Oops!*
Haha. Madness.

I'm mugging tonight anyway.
No excuses anymore.
Hell. There’s co tmr.
Grrr.

Part (I)

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily fa軋de but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself (Myself)

Pre chorus:I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I turn my back
I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them
I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer(By myself)

Pre chorus

Chorus
How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid, I'm out of touch
How do you expect I will know what to do
When all I know is what you tell me to
Don't you knowI can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside

Chorus (2x)



Evrythng I wan to say is portrayed exactly the way it is in this song.
Guess who’s back??
Say hi again to the old, pessimistic, jaded, paranoid, mentally exhausted me J
I have tried so long to keep the old mE down. Now it’s back. Wonderful. Terrific. Great. Thanx a lot man!
I’m so disappointed with those ppl.
I cant handle more of this shit. I’m not going to care anymore.
Bloody hell. Bunch of freaking hypocrites.

Where are you now? I need somebody to tell me, to assure me that, some ppl aren’t really like that. I want to feel convinced. I want to feel worry-free again.
Where are you? I need you.
Someone there just to listen.
Someone who doesn’t judge.
Someone to give me good sound advice.
Please?

Who’s this person anyway? Perhaps such a person doesn’t really exist. I just want some solace n comfort, which I cant seem to find.
I have been told.
I have been warned.
I have read the signs.
Yet.
I have fallen again.

Part (II)
Uhoh. It’s happening again.
Lydia dear. Please stop me before I do stupid things again!
Like.. you know.. taking walks arnd weird places. :P
Oh no..
This is going to happen again.
N I don’t think I can stop it..
Not so soon.
Maybe it’s abt time like u said?
To forget n move on.
But through this way?
It’s like stepping right back into the hole I juz crawled out of.
Haha.
But then again.
Who cares?
It’s time to have some fun. Live life!
:D


How different can I get.

what's a more fabulous way this morning can start!
it's barely 5 mins after 8am n i'm alreadi pissed off.
sorry jam. i know it's your birthday.. i will try not to get too agitated :)
it's just that.. the day isnt starting off too well.
but then again when do days ever begin nicely for me?
pw is such a waste of time. nobody is doing anything. i forgot to bring the evaluations. i'm irritated.
oh this is so going to be a long day.

can you believe it's monday AgAIn?
no. i dunno how many days are there left to promos. i lost count. but i know, it isnt alot.
i think it's onli one freaking month left... tsk

i'm going to attempt to summarise evrythng tt happened today in 10 things.

1. i cut my hair on sat! changed parting n evrythng. think i look kinda weird. and mj your clay doesnt work!!! it juz made my hair look even weirder than it already is.
2. sneaked out of sch b4 12.30 with all the yr2s. actually wasnt even sneaking. we were sauntering out of the sch gates like nobody's business. swensen's topless 5 for the 3rd time! sTILL no sticky chewy chocolate. i'm starting to think tt they're not stocking it anymore.
3. breadtalk's bacon n cheese bread is FANTASTIC
4. bio lect was a hoot. sitting in the last row basically means tt you might as well not be there. jam n bock were squabbling away nxt to me, n in between being entertained by the both of them n sneaking bites off my bread, i was temporarily distracted by an interesting presence. which means...
5. heh heh. i got a new friend to add to my list of friends. ;D
6. bio R on wed. please dear mrs lim. do come on time so i can go for the last CO practice. i'm feeling awfully guilty for not having been going for the past 2 times. bahh. i'm a terrible sect leader
7. jam's present is so nice. i AM jealous. hey jam. if u dun like it give it to me k? ;) haha. happy birthday in advance anyway!
8. i have lost my meteora cd. all tt's left is the cd case n the lyrics bk. i'm going to cry
9. thankgoodness for hybrid theory.
10. when we went junhong's hse juz now, i realised tt i have been to his neighbourhood before! well.. not exactly the best thing happened. someone got knocked down by the bus nxt to mine n i had to get off n walk thru there to get to the nearest bus stop..

that's All!
i wonder if anyone actually read all that shit anyway.

I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static
and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react
Even though you're so close to me
You're still so distant
And I can't bring you back

Chorus:
It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me I'm with you
You
Now I see
keeping everything inside
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes

I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor
the rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend that the past isn't real
Now I'm trapped in this memory
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react
Even though you're close to me
You're still so distant
And I can't bring you back

Chorus

No matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
No matter how far we've come by
I can't wait to see tomorrow
With you

Chorus

yes it's one of those days again.
when all the dhs ppl gather together n start to talk abt the old days, tt's when u realise, you REally do miss ur secondary sch. all of it. including kiw. where wld dunman be without him!
mj jingying n i juz had a 2hr talk-cum-thrashing abt things in vj.
dont get me wrong. i love vjc. i love the vibrant culture. but sometimes..
1. when i seem all happy in class. am i REALLY happy? then why do i feel so empty after that?
2. am i happy in class because i'm really so or because others are..
3. the ppl arent as simple as they seem to be.
4. my brain is working overtime trying to figure them out.
5. i really do miss the all-chinese speaking environment. whatever. call me cHeeena. i was brought up this way. my family is 100% chinese speaking. i came frm a chinese pri sch n chinese sec sch. what do u expect! sometimes i resent the fact tt ppl stereotype all the chinese sch ppl. we arent some stupid geeks. it just so happens tt i cant see how is it possible for some to just forget their chinese roots totally.
i have heard things like this. when ppl hear we're frm dhs, the first thing tt comes out of their mouths is "cheena sch full of muggers." do we seriously portray tt kind of image? i have always pride myself as having a balanced mix of both chinese n english cultures. at home, it's 100% chinese. in sch it's abt 75%. other than tt, the things tt i enjoy, the books, tv shows, music, are all western. does tt make me a cheena person too?

i'm digressing already.
no wonder they say the best friends u wld ever make are those frm sec sch.
dhsco is always first. takes priority over everything single thing.
i know what some wld say. u're alr not in dhs. get on with life!
i AM getting on. i AM doing fine. i LIKE vj life.
unfortunately it's just tt some ppl arent making JC life so pleasant n smooth sailing.
not just for me, but i speak for the majority of us. n i mean everybody.
but i take these annoying little pests in my stride. cliched as it sounds. this is life experience.
so jc life may suck. but it has taught (already!) us some valuable experiences.
there are still some who refuse to acknowledge the fact tt indeed it's a darn complicated world out there. still living in their own sheltered world, thinking everybody n everything is nice n shiny.
i hope they wont get too shocked when the real world hands them a reality check.
so life in vj is actually a first round of reality checks.
i may come off even more cynical than i already am, but at least i'm mentally prepared.
n i realise. my real friends are all in dhs.
so mj u made a gd point.
it's because we are all so close to each other, conflicts (as in real conflicts, not behind-ur-back-bitching) wld occur. but we wld try to resolve them because we treasure all our friends so much.
who knows what's going on here?

i wld like to dedicate this entry to my fellow-dhs-mates.
1. as usual it's to the dhsco com first. li jy mollie lang rui zhi kes jieying yujia marc mj!! may we come together once again during eastzone camp!
2. dhsco com/vjcco com. ah it's the two of you guys la.
3. dhsco/vjco com. lyd jingying candice.
4. ex-4E.
5. ex-2J01. jia wil hf especially!
6. jam mandy simin py adelyne janice n nina!

well this is also to jingying n mj. u guys inspired me. whether in a gd way or not i'm not sure because i'm kind of in a depressed mood again. haha.
dun worry seah. u got us always! :D
dhs may not have any sch spirit to speak off. yet it's the familiarity of the environement tt bonds all of us together. n i wldnt trade tt for the world.
always remember. cheng xing yong zhong.
cheers.

finally touched my piano again.
lets see, when was the last time i played it?
oh yesss. piano ensemble concert.
i AM getting a little rusty, n tt's something i dont admit often.
piano ensemble auditions? bahh. with a little practice n it wld b a piece of cake.
ah haha. pride comes before a fall!
gershwin nv sounded so terrible before.
i attempted to piece together some songs by listening to my discman. well apparently as musically inclined as i am, i'm not a genius yet.
hoho here i go again.
yeaa i'm just kidding.
i have wondered before. am i cut out for a career in music?
haha. great ambitions, considering tt i dun even have a stupid diploma cert because i had to stop piano because i hv no time because jc life is so god damn hectic. i promise i'm going to get it after the As.
too bad they dun offer zheng in the music fac of NUS. piano is just too common n there r too many gd pianists out there. but then again. wats the use of taking a chinese instrument. as if i'm going to china to further it.
whatever. i'm just finding some crap to type so i can procrasinate.

what S22 doesnt hear very often is, "you're one of my best classes". more likely it was, "you're the 2nd last class entire level" or "if you all dont buck up now you will fail ur promos".
so it's always nice to have GP lessons n get praised.
i wonder when wld the teachers FINALLY realise tt it's the teachers who make the students?
not anytime soon i guess. stubborness gets u nowhere.
mr chew said that keeping a journal wld help with GP.
so i'm attempting to make every entry witty n funny.
har har yea i'm sure i can do tt.
but the very least i'm going to make sure ppl dun fall aslp reading my blog.
unfortunately i dont feel particularly funny or witty today.
thoughtful. more like it. or thoughts-full.

friend. i know you wont want me to type this here.
well like i said, i dont mention names, n i aint going to make it obvious anyway.
when i got the msg, i was shocked to say the least. stunned. flabbergasted (wats the correct spelling). but i'm touched. because after so many months of thinking u didnt care, at least u bothered. n i'm grateful for tt.
well more to talk abt i guess. stuffs to clear up.
back to sq. one? agreed.
it's nice to call u friend again.
how did u manage to find my blog anyway!?

which brings me to my point of the day. the blog, contratry to popular belief, is NOT a place to type what u really feel. not unless u want to take the risk of infuriating others if u happened to be bitching abt them.
ok so it wasnt a bad thing in this case.

anyway my saturday had juz gone down the drain. yet another studying wkend. pray tell me. how am i supposed to do well for promos if minor things such as painting banner for Open house which isnt for like, oh, another 2 1/2 mths cant b postponed until AFTER the bloody exams??
can i complain please?? lydia n seah do allow me to complain abt it tmr. cuz i cant do it here.
bit of distracted now. i'm watching the highlights of the table-tennis match right now. cool stuff. there's hope for singapore after all.

i knew of this blog today.
xiaxue.blogspot.com. apparently she's the best blogger in asia, with more than 4000 avid readers. n what's more she's a freelance(?) writer for the straits times.
i have to say.
i'm EnViOUS!
she's getting the kind of job i would love to get (except that 8 days wld definitely be a nicer choice). n the things she types in her blog? what i wld LovE to type sans vulgarities.
yea but of course i wld never ever get a job like that because:
1. you would probably need an A* for GP
2. the B3 was a complete total fluke
and
3. i have the worst possible luck ever.
she's funny n witty. her english is pretty good too. not the best. but the way she phrases her sentences? very 8days-like. biting, cutting, full of cursing.
i loved it man. well i can do without the vulgarities. but it's pretty cool. go check it out.
and so it brings me to the topic of: what the hell am i going to do after i graduate frm the U??
ok let's not even go that far yet.
what the hell am i going to do for the job attachement at the end of this yr??
i did write down magazine staff at the spur of the moment. i was thinking CLEO. (ahh i know. what a bimbo right. sue me. i love bimbotic stuff :D) but it is an impossibility.
maybe i shld have written down some job attachement for something to do with psychological stuff? put my psycho-analysing skills to good use haa haa.
but before i even think abt all these. there's still good ol' promos to pass.

on a different note. i was pretty mad at a couple of teachers today AGAIn.
let's see.
first of all i was mad at dear mrs lim. the old girl forgot about bio R (damn i feel embarrassed just typing tt out! it's so: "hi i'm in bio Olympiad, you're in bio Remedial?"). the R ppl waited frm 4.15 to 5. i gave up n went home. so today she insisted on a makeup. ok so tt's nice of her to sacrifice her time so i wont complain abt how i really feel. so she said makeup was at FOUR. so we went at FOUR. i went in 5mins late. she still wasnt there. 1/2 hr later, she came in complaining tt she said remedial was at 4.30. er. i'm sure 24 pairs of ears could have heard her wrongly. but whatever. at least it was productive.
then there was the chem lecturer monica what's-her-surname.
some teachers seriously arent cut out for lecturing. or tutoring in her case.
"LT is not the place for you to talk. Talk again n i'll throw you out of the LT". Right. i would gladly do it on my own. what's with all the organic chem lecturers! at this rate we're going, i'm probably going to fail chem and spend my holidays studying for re-paper.
oh which brings me to chanks.
where do i start? for one, i can do without all his negativity abt how we're all going to fail the promos if we dont start mugging 25/7. yes tt was on purpose.
apparently if you dun study now, you will fail your promos, you will spend your holidays studying, all your chances of getting S papers would be gone n ultimately your entire future (which i'm sure is based on S papers and thermochemistry) would go down the drain! n you wld probably end up teaching at some JC n telling your students how if they dun study now, they wld fail yada yada.
n dun pick on me just because you know my name.

n then i was mildly irritated by some ppl.
no need for names. there was CO practice today.
nahh of course not. i'm forgiving n am not petty.
and anyway i'm not saying anything cos the blog is not a place for you to type what u really feel like typing.
the meeting was pretty duh for me. cuz i had no opinions as usual.
but i got pretty pissed when YET again the idea of playing chinese pop music for open house came across.
i'm NEVER EVER GOING to play POP MUSIC on my instrument. HELL NO. tt's like the most degrading thing you can ever do to your instrument!
hello? any self-respecting CO member wld have the sense to know tt any CO who dares to even think abt playing pop music is because they're so lousy tt they have nth else to play n tt's all they can do.
i'm SO against tt idea. thank goodness for fellow dhsco mates who share the same sentiments. :)
so we're painting banner this sat. er. like ok. no opinions. my art sucks. i cant b bothered.

i met rui on the bus today after dinner!
haha i got a shock when she knocked me on my head before we alighted.
isnt it strange. she lives just 6 stories above me yet the last time i met her on the way home was like... half a yr ago? i miss coming home with her! especially after every com outing. where we wld end late n having a companion was so much safer n not so scary.

well gotta rush. i have IE to study. cuz i suck in chemistry.

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did
Was it something you said
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

CHORUS X 2

i'm seriously starting to dun like 'em.
n hell do i show it.
today's a horrible day i dun wanna talk about it.
oh shuckssss.
some teachers juz suck n yet they think it's the students who are lousy. wake up wake UP. hello? we dunno what's going on here??
whatever.
mondays really suck.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50,000 tears I cried
Screaming
Deceiving
And bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me....
GO AWAY....
Don't want your hand this time
I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom

[Chorus]
I dive again
I'm going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm, going under

Blurring and stirring the truth that comes out(I don't know what's real and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts is my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I dive again
I'm going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through,
I'm, so go on and scream
Scream at me, so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under
I dive again
I'm going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through,
I'm, going under (going under)
Going under (drowning with you)
I'm going under

i hate spa. i really do. bloody screwed up MOE system. do tell me. whats the pt of letting us have 3 tries when you dont even want to tell us where we went wrong! do we actually learn anything tt way?

oh spa was juz terrific. i faked everything. n i do mean everything because somehow at 35degrees the amt of apple juice was the most. n it decreased all the way. what else. i made a mess on my table n mrs lim obviously deducted marks for tt. oh n the best thing is, i broke the bloody thermometer when i was trying to pour away some water to adjust temp for water bath. *cross cross*. more marks deducted! dear mr tharman shanmugaratnam. please abolish spa n pw. it's making life hell for all of us.

i aint going to talk abt the parents-teachers meeting. because i wld just waste a whole lot of time ranting abt it, as opposed to being a good student n start mugging for promos right now. dont worry mrs lim. i will put in much much more effort this time. i absolutely loathe ppl looking down on me. but seriously, why dont u look at the way we lead our lives before criticising us? yes so our results aint tt good now. but we have active lives. we actually have LIVES outside sch. n isnt tt wat the scholarship talk taught us? instead of wasting MY parents' time down here today n saying some crap which isnt even related to my results, why dont you try to help those who cant seem to survive well in life? doesnt tt call for more concern? wht's more impt. unhealthy lifestyles and mindsets or poor results? i have nv been more embarrassed in my whole life.
ah whatever. i dun wan to criticise her too much anyway. she's a nice lady. it's all the sch's fault again.

yay. marcus n lydia agree with me tt the village is a cool show!
see lydia? we think alike! marcus has gd taste too haha.
oh i got my mugging buddies back. fiNally. after the long taiwan immersion program.
my maths has been saved!

was just talking to mj's fren on msn. in chINESE.
oh it's so bloody difficult to type in chinese!
takes abt 2 mins to type a sentence.

PW tmr. oh what the heck.

this is something for my friend who hasnt been feeling too happy nowadays due to some friendship problems.
dear girl, i do understand totally absolutely how u feel.
when i read ur blog, it was as if u were reading my mind. every single thing which i wanted to say but didnt know how to phrase, you put it into words.
it's gd tt you know there's no use regretting or what. but u must remember that it's perfectly normal if u still feel much sadness even after u claim to have given up.
well u know. i have told u my own experience.
it takes time. lots n lots n lots n lots of it. yea. like i mentioned before? 1. understand wat went wrong 2. apologise 3. leave emotional baggage behind.. blah blah so as to move on. but i used to feel that the above are all bullshit cuz it just isnt tt easy to do so.
i havent told you the whole story yet.
when i thought i found a friend so dear, then i lost it, the blow was so great.
yes so it wasnt like yours, but all the same, it was horrible.
there were so many times i felt so much sorrow n remorse. no many how many times i told myself it was all over n tt it was abt time i moved on n stop thinking abt it, i cldnt.
it bugged me so much for a period of time.
it became so extreme. there seemed to be so much hate from me n i cant stand tt. i hated the way it was changing me.
i was blaming myself. even though now tt i look back, i was onli partly at fault.
at first i thought there was some misunderstanding. but i cleared tt. n since he still refuses to forgive me, i have no more regrets.
i no longer brood over all tt has happened. because it isnt my fault anymore. i can say, "hey at least i tried!". i'm not the one acting like a big kid.
n i guess i have moved on.
i'm no longer sad. i dont hang on to the past. i dont think about it. i dont regret stuff.
n i'm glad i did. because looking back, it just wasnt worth it at all. sure i dont regret what i did. but it really hadnt been worth my time at all. it's not worth it when u're the one maintaining the frenship when the other juz bullshits you the whole time. well i'm not going to mention this again. i have wasted too much time ranting abt it.
so it took a long time. but eventually, i got over it.
dont worry girl. cuz you will too. maybe not so soon. but you will.
but of course i hope everything will turn out well again. as you said. your friend aint the extreme version of you n me.
so there may be a happy ending for you after all.
i do hope so.

the taiwan ppl left this morning.
feeling quite bad tt i cldnt send mj's friend off. cuz their flight was way too early in the morn n i cldnt pon sch.
hm they shld have reached taiwan a long time ago.
well it has been nice knowing some of them. nice peeps.

well obviously i have nth much to say today. but it has become a conditioned reflex action of mine, after reaching home to sit down at the computer n open this page. so i shall juz type some thing for the heck of it.

compre today was a nightmare.
the passage was long n boring n full of philosophical stuff which i didnt get.
i fell aslp twice.
but i liked the part abt LaoZi's teachings : solitude is the way to life man.
haha we were wondering if potato had memorised n learned his teachings? since she seemed to possess all the qualities stated.
ok shldnt be too obvious with our dislike sometimes.
poor jam. she got diao-ed at by her today. perhaps she was aiming at the both of us but she cldnt turn too much in her chair so jam ended up getting most of it. tsktsk.
oh n me cindy n dominic juz got diao-ed by a bunch of greenish-uniformed ppl.
shant say which sch.
but we were hanging out at bedok mac.. so do make ur own inferences.
seriously what's their problem.
we didnt start this silly rivalry thing. heck we didnt even looked at them when we stepped in, but the childish lot of them (yr2s somemore) turned n diao-ed.
like wat the heck. self-amusement? this is so like wat someone said abt the rivalry shit between RV n DHs. like huh? we didnt even know tt RV was treating us like some enemy.
whatever. they're lucky tt i didnt diaoed back. because tt wld have started a war.
haha whatever kiddos!
these ppl give their sch and so many of my friends a bad name.

for the first time in many wks i went for piano meeting.
well i felt quite sorry because nobody wanted to say anything n contribute ideas. hey dun expect me to do it cuz even if i had ideas i wldnt say anything. not because of watever reasons, but bcuz i cant b bothered.
oh i'm playing solo for end yr concert!
ok so there's audition. but i shld pass it.
finally i'm getting to play solo.

i'm peeling.
i'm shedding skin!!
damnnn.

i'm in one of those moods again.
u know. paranoid. over suspicious. pissed off-kinda moods again.
i don't want to be this way too! cmon. who enjoys being like this.
but sometimes u can't help the way u feel because of what others do.
i cld take that path, but i chose not to because of people.
pw is so not helping. it's giving me a huge headache. i hate it.
this wkend is so gonna suck.
i hate bio spa. i hate parents teachers meeting. wats up with all that shit man? trying to kill us??
this is gonna be a tough wk.
why on earth did i do integration instead of 6.2?? now i'm lagging. damnnnn.

oh the powers of love/like/crush or whatever.
i have seen two grown man reduced to nothing because of a little thing called a crush.
ok maybe i'm exaggerating a lil. sorry guys. dont kill me.
but i have nv seen them this way before.
ok at least for one of them. it's quite scary actually.
all tt heartache, worry, pain n stuff. it shows up in ur expressions on ur face. it seemed so unfamiliar!
er maybe i'm just imagining things again?
but hope u guys wld feel better soon.
dont fret. at least this thing is coming to an end? less interaction? maybe tt's a gd thing for all of you.

please let me survive this week.
let's see now. there's compre tmr. n maths tut which i didnt do. n bio which i dont understand. bio lect which sucks. oH! n chem. yeeppp i dun understand wt the hell is electrophilic addition.
what am i doing in science??
i gotta get a grip.

anyway i better change my facial expressions. whenever i thought tt i'm looking 'blank'. i'm actually looking pissed off. one too many ppl have told me i looked pissed off n dao 90% of the time.
shucks. i'm such a nice n friendly person actually!!
yea when i'm in a good mood tt is.
haha.

as we watched the lemon tree fellow perform his horrifyingly hilarious song yesterday on singapore idol, i'm sure hundreds of dhsco seniors had the same reaction as me. i was cringing n sticking my fingers into my ears n trying not to look at the tv screen.
what the hell was he thinking??
i do applaude his bravery though. splendid.
n i'm thankful that when he mentioned tt he had experience in performing (in an orchestra of ALL things), he didnt mention dhsco. our jrs wld have become the laughing stock of the entire sch on wednesday.
well he certainly got his 15mins of fame though. special mention on class95's morning express.
well of course special mention=being made fun of.
singapore's william hung. hurhur.

anger? no.
hurt? no.
sadness? nope.
weird? yeaa.
what's this supposed to mean? i sure have no idea.
but what i do know is this: everything changes.
because you lied.
but i'm not abt to jeopardize this bcuz of something i'm not involved in.
well i dunno wat to say.
i guess that's it. this is the last time ever i'm going to believe in something tt's not to be.
i promise.
i need a hug.
i need some comfort tv.




fireworks fest.
fireworks was a disappointment! barely 5mins n 1/2 of it was blocked by the esplanade roofs. but still, it has been a loong time i last saw fireworks upclose n loud. so it was still pretty cool. concert was not too bad. even though we cldnt be in the audience, we were in an even better position, behind the stage. we cld see all the artistes upclose. perhaps we were the lucky ones. haha jam wld say so? n i have finally broken the record of the latest time i reached home. thank goodness for jam's dad who so kindly fetched all of us home, if not i wld have reached later than 1am. i was so beat that i onli woke up at 11 this morn. another first. n i promptly spent the whole day playing on my com. tutorials? ahh. tomorrow..
oh yes. we had a most fantastic meal yesterday. it's fantastic because of the eye-watering bill. how on earth did the 4 of us manage to rack up a bill of $75 at marche is still beyond me. but i have to say. great food. i have to type this all down to remind myself wat a gastronomical experience tt was. haha.
1. pizza
2. rosti
3. teppanyaki chicken + rice times two
4. sambal squid (which for such a bloody small portion costs $8.80!!)
5. strawberry oreo cheesecake
6. 'death by chocolate' choc cake
7. waffles + icecream
no wonder it was so damn expensive..

ooh goody. japan are the asian cup champions yet again!
3-1's the score. fabulous. they are the deserving winners.
am going for the fireworks festival tmr. usually i'm nv enthu abt such events, but i shld have a pretty good time.
i'm so going to study now.
*cross fingers*

u know i've nv particularly liked reading blogs where ppl juz give u a running commentary of wat happened the whole day. so i usually dont do tt. but i have to today. because a most hilarious incident juz happened.
we made our dear outcast cry today during college cleanup. am i sorry for it? hell NO. even though i was one of those who attacked her directly. i'm seriously seriously sick of her attitude. so wat did she do? lets see now. we were supposed to cleanup the library, aka wipe the tables n shelves PROPERLY. basically she was juz using the rag n dusting the tabletops while the rest of us were slogging away trying to get the pencil marks off the table. hell. i already got pissed off then but i'm a nice person so i kept my mouth shut. n as if it's not enough tt she's already NOT doing her part n getting the 2hrs CIP, she sat down on her fat *** n refused to do anything else. when poh told her to stop being so slack, guess what she said. she's on a "silent protest". hoho. all of us were so stunned by tt riduculous answer tt we cldnt even say anything. well apparently the dear girl had some sort of argument with the librarian who was assigning tasks for us (like she refused to renew the book for her?? like Wat the HEll?? it's always abt books isnt it?) so now she decides to sit there n let the rest of us clean up while she slacks n gets the CIP hrs. oh then she went to hide behind the book shelves. jam n me retalitated by telling the librarian where she was n wat her name was. u wld think tt after getting scolded by the librarian she wld finally see some sense n get to work. Nooooo. not her. she was obviously not happy n took a bloody wet rag to wipe the wooden shelves. for a person who got 4As for her midyrs she sure is lacking in the common sense area. water+wood=rotting wood! i was postively boiling by then but poh asked me to cool it so we cld all go confront her afterwards. n tt's wat we did. i cldnt remember wat i said exactly cuz i was attacking her so fast tt evrything i said came out in a flash. yay. i finally got to say wat i really felt like saying. but i do remember saying: "so wat if nxt time u dont like ur boss? u're gonna quit?" to which she said, "yes i will quit." poh had the last laugh though. he said, "then you'll never survive in society." HaHaHa. after this whole little fisaco me n jam were in the toilet washing up n ranting abt how disgusting she was n "she must really like all her tutors since she does all her tutorials so dilligently." well. guess we were a little too loud n she heard frm the outside. so when we got out of the toilet she was sniffling away n crying n the 1st thing i heard was :" i'm so angry i can kill her". wOooo. we got quite a shock really, who knows wat these psychotic ppl r capable of! but after some enquiries with qimin, the person she apparently wanted to terminate was the librarian. the guys had quite a laugh when they heard tht she wanted to kill her. i quote amir: "how's she going to kill her? throw books at her?" n if all tt has happened isnt enough to confirm wat a pathetic loser she is, we saw her doing her tutorials immediately after the emotional outbreak. i think we can all give up on her. she's the ultimate. n if she's gonna call her momma to confront us, i say let her try. it's 1 against 23. did she seriously think we were going to back her up when she was on her little "silent protest" thingie? wat the hell is going thru her mind! does she seriously think she can get her scholarship juz by mugging her way thru the 2yrs n joining the minimum requirement for CCAs?? she will have no testimonial to speak of! n of cuz there's still the question of the interview. there're juz too many weirdos running arnd in this school.
ok tt's enough for today. i'm tired of stupid ppl like this.

so today was national day's celebrations.
so i didnt come in ethnic costumes. i didnt even show up in red shirt! tt's so me. i'm, to put it simply, bo-chup. or heck care. n i didnt want to turn up looking all enthusiastic when others r hecking it. yes. like who the hell cares. perhaps it's a dunman thing. you just CANNOT BE BOTHERED. i dun enjoy doing dressing up in something i'm not comfortable in. heck. i didnt even turn up in ethnic costumes last yr during Racial Harmony Day even when 3/4 of the class were in it!
or actually it's all very simple. i dont have a red shirt or an ethnic costume.
it was a weird day.
Operation Do-Not-Think-About-It was in full swing. successful? hell yea. but it nearly didnt. i was tempted twice. too close. but i made it. yay. congratulations to me.
my legs nearly fell off juz now. we walked frm clarke quay to city hall to suntec. den we stood on the bus all the way frm suntec to parkway. man, it isnt fun. n the weather wasnt good either.
i did a good deed. i offered my seat to a little girl n her dad on 15 juz now, but the father said they wld b getting off so it was fine, thanks. ahh. it's feels good to be a nice, model student sometimes, n to put a smile on others' faces. hee hee.
it takes so little to change your opinion of somebody sometimes. n u see a whole different person when he/she's in a different environment. disgusting. i'm not disappointed cuz i'm not even close tt person. yet i'm angry on the behalf of my friend.
college cleanup tmr. like wats the pt. as if i cant get 80 hrs at the end of 2yrs? i alr have 30hrs, n tt's even before june. eastzone camp shld give me another 25-30 hrs. n if CZY nxt yr gives me another 20hrs, i'm done! well nvm. any reason to get out of the hse.

well, let's get analytical abt the movie.
DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE PLANNING TO WATCH IT!
it's one movie you'll either love or hate. me? i loved the plot, but i didnt like the fact tt it ended so abruptly (felt like i had been cheated of my $$!) n it was so short. but this is one plot which u'll nv eVER guess. m.night.shyamalan has one twisted brain.
ok so ppl say the plot is dumb n it's a waste of money. but let's put it this way. if the story had really been abt creatures running arnd killing ppl, den u wld oso say tt it's a dumb plot cuz u expected it! n now since u didnt expect the plot at all, u've been guranteed a gd time trying to guess it. so stop slamming the show n calling it no-brainer! cuz if u're so darn smart why dun YOU think up the plot n let ppl judge it! hoho. why am i so sensitive. ppl are juz nv satisfied are they? when the movie's different, they call it stupid. if the movie is exactly wat the trailers promised, they call it predictable. i can juz imagine wat some wld say. "stupid show. everything is in the trailers". see my point??
n the message tt the show is trying to bring across is so strong: money is the root of all evil, such that these ppl are willing to isolate themselves frm civilisation n the rest of the world just so they can protect themselves frm the evils. i liked that. this movie is not one where there's no meaning behind it n juz some dumb brainless Alien-like shows.
so i have to say the trailers were damn gd. didnt reveal a SIngle thing abt the real plot n totally misled everybody. (tt's EXACTLY the point of it, in case you're still grumbling over the fact tt the trailers misled you. if not, wldnt it be PREDICTABLE? something u wld want to complain abt again?) admit it. all of u who watched it were fooled. including me. at least me n jam guessed one part correctly: tt the creatures didnt really exist n it was really the ppl running round killing the animals. n the way they built up the suspense was terrific. it was realli quite terrifying, what with the Blair-Witch Project-like filming n the sound effects.
definitely much better than Signs. n easier to understand than Unbreakable. n less scary than The Sixth Sense. now Signs was one show which i watched feeling like i had juz wasted $$(aliens running arnd seriously!) n Unbreakable was the show tt i never EVER understood til today.
this is a pretty good show. perhaps not worth the 4/5 stars 8Days gave it, but definitely worth a watch. i like twisted-ending shows.
actually, why am i arguing over this? everyone's entitled to their own opinions. if u wanna think tt you wasted your $$, den u really did. well i choose to believe it was a $7.50 not-bad spent, n i gain the benefits. sorry. i was provoked.
oh by the way. in case anyway thinks tt i'm targeting them. i'm not k. i'm juz speaking abt the general response.

conflicted thoughts
threatening to choke me.
i cant breathe
i cant see
save me
you're gone.
i cant keep thinking abt you
but the alternative is more painful
never ending vicious cycle
unbearable loneliness
paranoia's all i got left
whirlwind inside my head
when will this ever end

this doesnt rhyme at all. bahh. i dont care.
why am i always doing things for others ppl's credits?
she doesnt deserve wat she got.
it's juz too bad for all of us tt she's the product of a mistake.

i read this on somebody's blog:
i'm such a blatant liar. i can look at you in the eyes n lie straight to your heart. yet what i have not been able to do is lie to myself, about how i feel abt you..
cool.
come to think of it i aM a pretty good liar too if i do say so myself.
i'm pretty emotionless today. it's like suddenly the power switch to my emotions has suddenly been switched off, so i'm feeling pretty blank now. not feeling worried, nor sad, nor angry or whatever. oh! or even hungry. yea. for the first time EVER, i didnt feel hungry at all the whole day. not even now. even when the last time i ate was abt 6 hrs ago.
perhaps this is what they call the calm before the storm. right. before another gigantic emotional outbreak comes along my way. i wld b waiting for the trigger.
oh this's pretty cool. china vs iran. 1-1 at 79 min. at least both copa america cup n asian cup have not been disappointing. argentina n brazil in the finals. this is wat i call a real soccer final.
i realise tt when i'm feeling pretty empty i start to type nonsensical stuff.
what more can you want when you already have the truth??

hm. where do i start. this has been such a loOoNG day.
i was anticipating the arrival of the taiwan ppl today. especially wat after mj told me abt his friend. ahem. i quote: "not bad-looking.", "very nice", "ultra fit" and "swimming captain". hey dont blame me for expecting some tall dark ACS kind of guy right! frankly speaking i got quite a, shall i say?, surprise when i saw the real guy. haha but then again. one shldnt judge a book by its cover n i shall say he's a pretty cool guy, funny and all. me mj n him had quite a hilarious time at the library juz now chatting. so i said that i wasnt too used to the HC environment n all, yet it was refreshing having to speak chinese 24/7 again.
anyway. felicia chin michelle chong n joanne peh appeared in VJ today. apparently to shoot some documentary? but didnt see any cameras following them arnd so probably they were juz visiting their alma mater. well. their arrival obviously caused quite a stir among the guys, especially that pervert of a sianghan who was practically hyperventilating at the thought of being within 1m radius of felicia chin. like duH. it was pretty cool actually, but why are there no male celebs frm VJ?? they looked damn tanned but then again it's probably fake tan. heh heh. typical bitchy remarks.
ooh. looks like i have managed to summarise the day into 2 paragraphs.
i realised that it's bloody lonely to study by urself. seriously seriously unbearably lonely. i cldnt stand the silence in the reference area so had to resort to going down to the magazine lounge. i'm not ever going to this again. so looks like for the nxt couple of wks i wld have to return home to mug. sIgHh.
frieNdsssss. extreme makeover!!
i so need a timetable. i cant bloody believe promos's in 59 days.