there's something in your eyes.
something in your smile.
something in the way you move me.






completely unoriginal. i'm super bored.

Someone Asked Me Recently


"are you very irritated with something or somebody?"

no. why do you ask?

"because you seem flustered occasionally. and when people talk to you, you don't seem to be listening much sometimes"



oops.

well, but i should probably get this clear.
i'm perfectly un-irritated.
as for the not-listening-much incidents,
i'm distracted.
by mostly dread and gloom.
and sometimes when i talk to people, i may actually be thinking
"damn. how much more do i actually have to study??"
and so i may just want to shut up and gloom myself.

and of course, as much as i don't want to be affected by other things, i'm sorry to say that i have far lesser willpower than that.
-GLOOOOM-
difficult. too difficult.
too many things. way too many things.

trivial matters.

and yeah. i'm on hiatus actually.
i like to be in denial. which i am in most of the time.

mian is currently on hiatus. but because she wants to pretend that she hasn't been online/will not be online at all for the next six weeks, she will change the date such that it will seem as though she has not been online. :)

all the best everyone. have faith.







probably the best advice there is for all the stupid people out there

you've been waiting for his love for so many years.
well girl



you may not live to see that day.

I've Got A Pet!


haha sorry rach, i'm a complete copycat. but this is really too adorable!

oh anyway, meet The Wobbly Penguin. click on it a few more times and see what i mean.

HAHA! so cute.



anyway i should make it clear that when i type about cynical stuff, by no means am i referring to any specific person, but rather, from a whole series of incidents told to me by many people, and yeah, maybe some of my personal experiences in the past.
so yah. no need to take anything personally!
because i'm in a pretty good mood nowadays.
:)

"I'm Smarter Than You"


it was on some SC's shirt when we went for the open house today.

and yes. i'm smarter than you. don't try :)

my friend was talking to me yesterday about how his friend backstabbed him, told me how his friend went to tell the girl he likes, that he likes her.
so i thought, say that sure sounds familiar.
and i realised that, there are actually so many ways a friend can backstab another, and hence i decided to make a list of
the many different types of backstabbers!


(disclaimer: examples are purely generic and not made in reference to any particular person. experiences are not all personal and some are my friends')


1. The Classic

actually does not like you very much as a person, but still pretends to be friends with you for some reason.
goes around bitching about you to her friends, yet still pretends to be nice to you.
classic. i tell you.


2. The Big-Mouth

you tell him/her that you like somebody, he/she happens to be friends with the person you like, he/she tells that person, even though he/she knows that the person you like would end up ignoring you.
you can conclude yourself.


3. The Moralist

you complain about a particular person to him/her who happens to be a friend of you both. he/she goes and tell that person all about it, citing reasons such as "i think he/she deserves to know" or "i think he/she has got to know that you're mad at him/her, if not you're lying to him/her"
oh the irony! get off the moral high horse already.


4. The Self-Righteous

bitches about you to another friend, but instead of plain bitching, cites problems about your character, your behaviour etc etc. can be often heard sprouting phrases such as "i think he/she has to change, this is really not good. he/she shouldn't do this do that do this do that, all while looking really concerned for your welfare and wellbeing.
this i can understand and appreciate even, but what's really ironic is, don't you have something wrong with your own character too, by talking about that person behind his/her back?


5. The 重色轻友

self-explanatory actually. basically tells all your deepest darkest secrets to the person he/she likes, all in hope of getting attention, and maybe hoping to make you sound like a nasty person at the same time. may sometimes be masquerading as the moralist.
why?
don't ask me. ask those who have done it.





thats all i can come up for the time being.
i need to sleep.

like a lot of people, i'm one of those who think that friendster is a place that screams 'narcissists galore!!!'
hello. if you have more than 30 photos of yourself, and you say you're not a narcissist, then i say you've got a problem.
but never mind that.
i'm still inclined to think that friendster is a very useful little tool for locating, ahem, people.
after all, since it had proved to be useful thrice, i thought, after the particularly unfruitful day of yesterday, it would prove it's worthiness again.
unfortunately yesterday proved itself to be a bad day once again.
even through all ways and means and all connections possible, there was no luck. and i do mean ALL connections.
(and now hundreds of people are probably wondering why i even viewed their profile in the first place. CRAP. no thanks to the new completely pointless tool on friendster. stupid friendster.)

so anyway thanks to that, i'm completely zonked out right now.
bye. i'm off for a nap.





what poetic justice.







alright. i'm back.

i know i've said many times that i can get to really dislike the school at times, but sometimes i can be completely contradictory.
like for one, i've complained many a time that the culture was sometimes too overwhelmingly angmoh. (haw haw. i bet i'm the first. where got anyone complain about culture being too english?) nothing to do with the vibrant lifestyles blah blah of course, it just had to do with people being condescending of people who are cheena.
(and it was only in this school that i finally knew what it was like to be the minority. not in terms of race, but in terms of the language that we were more used to. it's ridiculous. have you ever been asked right in your face to "stop speaking chinese lah! why you so cheena! you don't understand english meh??" twice. from the same person. it wasn't to me. but it was more than enough to make me boil. and in case you were wondering, neither am i lying nor exaggerating. people can vouch for it)
that's the only part of the culture that i cannot stand.
but anything else, i'm all up for it.
i love it when there's school spirit. (which coincidentally went down the drain after last year. i wonder why)
i love it that during open houses, when the mass dance music comes on, there would be a collective scream around the school, and people would come rushing from all corners to the mass dance ground.
i love it that efforts are made to have a proper farewell assembly, complete with video clips and hilarious skits and all. (and a guest performance by the funniest guy shyam (?) in the school. my sides nearly split)
so yeah. i'm really okay with the school after all.
and of course like i've said
i love the fact that the school is so near to my house.
i love the school uniform. (ooh. completely shallow HA)
i love the tiny school compound. (open houses are so much more easy this way.)
freedom in dressing, i like :)
i love my cca of course.
my friends.

now really, there are far too many things that i can say.

but i've got to stop here for the moment.

Major Sulking Session


reason 1: i have tuition tomorrow and i haven't done anything for it.
reason 2: wilfred cannot talk on the phone and i'm getting very cranky because i have many things to tell him!
reason 3: i walked around the tj open house until my legs nearly fell off but to NO bloody avail! NO AVAIL. i believe i'm cursed.
reason 4: 2 minutes. 2 lousy minutes was all i got.
reason 5: i cannot go for vj open house tomorrow.

alright. pissed off again!

excuse me while i go sulk ok?
meanwhile look at the nice photos :)

vjc rocks. yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (this mood will only last a couple of days don't worry)

04S22

the four of us :)

the singer whom nobody was listening to. who the heck?

in the hall

qimin is like so cute!!

kbox people :D

jarm n me!

my very nice mortal! :)

04S22 with grandmama lim :)

those not going prom . hahaha

girls girls girls :)

part of the class

the class!

poh seriously loves candid shots. -BOYS ARE STUPID!-

PW. -guffaws-

poh loves candid shots. -_____-

babes of S22 :D

uncle, the very tall and nice dianyang and me

the funny ueng! haw haw

our lovely maths teacher :)

the two jokers.

It's Going To Be The Last Day of School...


and maybe, just maybe, there would be some relevations/realisations. (yes again)
tomorrow maybe i would know, if trapping really works.
-smirks-
i just love to see the guilty looks flicker across the faces of some people when they know they have obviously did something wrong to me, and are desperately trying to keep it from my knowledge. but as usual. i know :)
or they avoid me at all costs, and that amuses me to no end.
you gotta give me more credit than that yeah?

don't blame me for setting this all up for you should you really have fallen right into it.
blame yourself for your actions that have caused the total breakdown of trust.
blame yourself for what you have once done
blame yourself for having backstabbed others
so really,
don't blame me.
i'm sick of being blamed for your actions.
and i'm sick of you thinking that you're always above me.


now, let's not talk about this shall we?
i'm in an okay mood.
and i shall just look forward to school tomorrow :)

Thank You


thank you for the never boring lessons.
thank you for the many movies you've shown. ( i still liked 'wag the dog' very much!)
thank you for the belief you had in us which many other teachers have failed to have.
thank you believing that i could do well.
thank you for your vote of confidence.
thank you for helping me realise my love for writing.
thank you for helping me realise as well, that maybe there's something i could do in the scope of writing.


thank you very much mr chew.
my words from last year still hold.
'anyway, i am forever grateful to mr chew han ei the best gp teacher in VJC!'

thank you. :)


i remember my very first gp essay.
27/50 and it was marked leniently.
it wasn't that great a blow. because my english had been on a steady decline since sec three after i got one lousy teacher after another.
(and yes, lousy english teachers affect your grades because you see no point in putting in effort to do well)
and after that it didn't get any better.
i still remember the -oh horrors of all horrors!- 22/50 comprehension.
and i still remember having GP remedial. -chuckles-
but i kept your advice in mind. keep a journal, write about your thoughts and feelings.
so i did. and somehow, one way or another, it helped.
and the improvement showed ever since last year's midyears.
(and my blog entries too thank god. i still cannot believe the way i used to write. makes me cringe)
i remember you telling me and jamie.
work hard, so that we can improve to an A grade by this year.
haha. i'm sorry we erm, sort of fell sort of an A grade. or even a B3 grade at that, for the midyears.
but i still believe, that we would be able to hit that exponential curve during the As!
we would not let you down :)
GP may be an AO subject. but it's one subject that has brought about the idea of going into journalism, hence opening up another option.
i may not have the language prowess of rachel or rai, but i will strive to do better
(eg. dictionary.com is my favourite website. ha. ha)
thank you, once again.
hope you would get to see this
(because we dunmanians aren't exactly good at expressing gratitude in person. haha)
or any kind teachers may please pass on the msg thanks


luckily i never say anything bad abt the school eh. heh heh.



anyway it just suddenly hit me this morning that, soon there would be no more school.
no more vjc, no more short bus rides to school, no more uniforms.
and as much as i've complained about the school, i'm still highly defensive when it comes to other schools' people bitching about it.
i am still proud of being in vj, no doubt.
and i've, on many occasions, told many people that wearing vj's uniform is like wearing a branded clothing. not everyone has the ability (or desire actually, but never mind) to wear it. haha.
i do like the school. i just didn't like some of the people. but whatever really.
i will miss the school.
and i'm surprised myself.





the next time somebody haolians to you, try saying this :
"haiyo. what did your mother teach you when you were young? cannot lie right?'

haha. i nearly died laughing when wil told me that.







anyway i wish some of the kids and parents would stop complaining about the PSLE paper. stop it already won't you?
i cannot believe some of the things they can say.
i'm sure one bloody maths question will cause you to be emotionally damaged lah!
wait til you come to jc. wait til your jc prelims. then you would know what it's like to be emotionally damaged!
spoilt pampered kids. -grumbles-

Changing Priorities


priorities change.
sometimes some things were never even considered priorities in the first place.

actions reflect so crystal-clearly what a person's priorities are.


a trap.
and i wonder if the person fell headalong into it?
it would hardly be surprising.
of course, there would be reasons that would sound perfectly plausible.
after all, exactly the same reasons were given before weren't they?
everyone wants to justify their wrongdoings.
even i am doing so.



sometimes i feel so bloody inadequate in everything i do.
my results suck. i know certain people look down on me. i know some teachers dont think much of me (like get real, it's obvious alright?)
and what talents i ask you?
talents that would actually get me anywhere
so that's it when your results suck right?
you get stuck in singapore.
you get a degree which everyone else has.
you're just going to be statistic, an undergraduate who cannot find a job!

thank you. i know i probably shouldnt be comparing, but sometimes it just gets a little overwhelming.
the feeling of constantly thinking that i simply cannot match up to anyone around me haunts me
and sometimes it does get bad enough to make me want to shrink inside a shell and drown out the voices talking about scholarships and what-nots.
nobody's fault of course.


when i don't show it, it doesn't meant that i don't feel it.

sure. i can joke around with you. i can say hahaha my results suck to the core man.
but it's heartbreaking. still is. and i go around hearing people telling each other how their results suck because they got 3As and 1D. or something. BBCC perhaps.

crushing blows. one by one.
yes. people have told me that i still have my music, and maybe my writing.
but you know, being moderately good gets you nowhere.


sometimes i just wish i could be slightly smarter.





i sense the changing of situations.
not unlike a similar incident.
the only differing part is that
i'm not doing anything about it.
and it just goes to show.
actually how much it meant.


any vj students are a whole bunch of gossip mongers...
who says i'm complaining?
i am entertained constantly after all.


tears form behind my eyes. but i do not cry.

finally. to put thoughts into apt words.

I'm Retiring


to my books that is.
i have no choice.
i've got rubbish for results. (except for my darling GP, but who really cares about AO subjects)
i'm pissed off at econs.
(i should think the next time i do case studies, i'm just going to write a GP essay. hey when you write a GP essay and what you thought was a fairly alright case study, and u end up getting the same marks.. there's no point in straining your brains for econs information. just bloody well answer the question!!)
i'm sick of bio.
chem scares me.
maths bores me.



but that's before.
now i WILL DO A MATHS PAPER EVERYDAY
i WILL LEARN TO LIKE BIO.
i WILL DO CHEM PAPERS
i WILL er. i will try to think of something i can do about econs.

yes.
i will be a mugger.
so i'm trying to stay off the computer and my blog.
see y'all after the As.



kidding lah. where am i going to get practice for GP then?
but anyway i'm off for maths.
i think i'm starting to getting the kick in doing many many maths papers. -gleeful grin-


i can't believe this is the last week of school already.

not that i would miss the school itself too much of course.
basically, what i would miss are:
1. the school uniform. i'm convinced that the school uniform flatters just about everyone. that's why they say vj students look cool. :) (but that's granted only if you wear it the illegal way, of course. -grins-)
2. western food.
3. the location. convenient like dunman, i like :)
4. 25 mins to school. nice.


writer's block. ciao.

-frowns-

something's weird.
weird niggling feeling
like.
uneasiness?

well whatever it is, it's irritating.

and i do not like the unknown and the unexplainable.




-edit-

now i know.

i just don't like being wrong-footed.

A Conversation


me and friend were chatting.


friend: "say, are you and ****************** good friends?" (exaggerated no. of stars such that no names are named)

i snort in derision.
me: "you gotta be kidding right?"

friend looks confused.
friend: "but why?"

me: "well would you consider a person as a good friend when you barely talk to the person, barely see that person, and hardly even like that person? and would you consider the person as a good friend when that person, in the rare moments that you actually meet, puts you down, makes derisive remarks, mocks at you, sneers at you, all while telling you how much better he/she is than you?"

friend: "well... i guess not."














me: "well . obviously not me also right!!"


haha. you were going to think of that stupid joke where the punchline is "well, neither did that person?" ??


anyway the above did not exactly happen.
the only true part in this whole conversation was when my friend asked me if i were good friends with someone, and i replied yes.
i was merely bored then :)

Why I Love To Write


because there's nothing more satisfying than putting into words what you feel, instead of acting on it and creating trouble.
for example. if you wanted to curse some random asshole, you most probably would not go up to the person and curse him/her straight into his/her face. rather you'd bitch about the person until what you'd deemed satisfactory on your blog, and meanwhile enjoying the fact that you probably would not get into half the trouble you wld have incurred if you had done the former.

there.


anyway my GP did not let me down after all.
but i will not talk about it.
i am, after all, not haolian.

-pauses-


many troubling issues i'd like to address.

ahem. disclaimer.
situations are purely hypothetical. if you realise any resemblance, it's not you. so please don't come whining to me about how i'm being mean and rude.
(i'm being rude now because i had a crappy and tiring day.)


firstly,
hands up those who've said this before
"aiya. he/she is smart/clever/brilliant/good-looking/talented what, got the right to be haolian"
-frowns-
is it me or is there something horribly wrong about that sentence?
i admit that i've made the very same comment before.
it's only when you're standing on the other side, when you're complaining about a certain haolian kia, and people reply you with that comment, will you realise
how bloody warped the whole concept has become.
so you're good at something, does that give you the right to be boastful about it??
if that's the way people should act, i think we would never hear the end of things.
and at this very present moment when you're reading my blog, you'd probably be seeing things like
"I GOT 70 FOR GP LEH! A2 A2 A2!! HAHAHA!! I'M SO DAMN PRO!!!!"
(well obviously i did not. i got 5 marks lower than that. oops. i just did it didn't i? anyway that's not the point)
don't you realise that by making that comment, you're actually giving the person the right to haolian when in actual fact he has absolutely no right to do so?
and how would that help your self-esteem may i know?
the next time your friend is being haolian, i suggest you either 1. ask him to shut the hell up or 2. ignore her the whole day until she realises that she's being overly haolian.
and as for what i mean by haolian,
random little joking remarks about how she/he is good is fine.
unasked for, overbearing remarks about how he/she is good, coupled with downright rude and condescending remarks about how you are not is not.

and anyway to illustrate my point a little further, let me quote some phrases from one of my favourite songs by my favourite band.
(oh the power of a linkin park song.)


"There are just too many times when people try to look inside of me
Wondering when I think of you but I protect you out of courtesy"

"Afraid to say what's on my mind
Afraid to say what I need to say"

"Too many things that you say about me when I'm not around
You think having the upper hand you gotta keep puttin' me down
But i've got too many stand-offs with you
it's about as much as I can stand
So I'm waiting till the upper hand is mine"

"So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside"

"All i know is that all i want is to feel like i'm not stepped on"

"there are so many things you say that make me feel you've crossed the line
What goes up will surely fall and i'm counting down the times"

"But what goes up has got to fall"


highlighted ones are my personal faves.


pressing issue no. 2
why why why do people only see the wrongs (or wrong doings whatever you prefer to GP vocab section question 1 -grins) of others and not of themselves when they themselves so blatantly exhibit the very same characteristics?
and once more i'm guilty of the above.
it's a classic case of "don't practice what you preach"
for example, you can go on and on and on about how wrong this person is, but then u go around and make the exact same mistake. and to make things worse, you don't even realise it and in most cases you may still be defensive and think you're in the right what.
and when other people try to tell you and help you with your mistakes, you just ignore their goodwill and instead turn around and snarl that the people "don't understand you" or say "if you're my friend you shouldn't try to change me" or maybe somehow argue your way out and make your friends give up in the end.
you win. i lose. savvy?
classic.


pressing issue no.3
some people are just not very good liars. and when they attempt to do so, the efforts are just shoddy and laughable.
cmon lah. you can't possibly beat me.
pressing issue? no. but it's just irritating me.
i've been in the same situation before, i obviously know what you're thinking yeah?




alright. anyway it's not a good day.
and i'm feeling nauseated.